A wise man once said: "What makes vanity so insufferable to us, is that it hurts our own." Well, I tell you what, my vanity has been violently murdered with a brick in an alleyway. Recently I spent two whole days trying to flog electric razors to people in the well-known high street cosmetics shop, Boots.The experience was so excruciatingly dull that at one point I caught myself shaving the hair off the back of my hand with one of the razors I was demonstrating. Thankfully, nobody saw. Either that or someone had seen me and promptly ran a mile in fear that I might be on the verge of some sort of spontaneous violent breakdown where I would rampage through the store throwing hair gel at people and trying to scoop out their eye sockets with an electric tooth brush. Anyway, whilst not enduring sporadic bouts of insanity, for the rest of the time I was working in the shop I had the opportunity to contemplate the nature of human vanity and specifically how shops like Boots exploit it. The particular shop I was working in was, I pondered, somewhat of a temple to this idea. What with the bright white fluorescent lighting, stone washed marble floors, and staff that resembled hideous hybrids between vestal virgins and Stormtroopers wearing so much mascara that it was hard to tell whether they actually had eyes... to say the environment was somewhat oppressive is about as much of an understatement as saying that World War II was slightly upsetting.
First things first, let me just say that I have no doubt that vanity is an entirely natural phenomenon. Darwinian theory would explain it as a mechanism that ensures that we maintain a high chance of finding a mate with whom to reproduce. However, one can’t help but think that things might have gone a bit too far. A good example is the current phenomenon of tanning. Whether it’s £100s spent on a holiday to Spain with the only goal being to partially bake oneself over the course of two weeks interspersed with painful showers and a growing risk of cancer, or the favoured Essex-style oompla loopma-inspired fake tans, I have met very few white women in this country who don’t spend at least some time and money attempting to accomplish a darker hue.
The question is why? From the male perspective, especially with regards to fake tanning, I would 1000 times much rather be with a girl who is fair skinned and proud than one that is orange and smells like a mixture of death and rotting apricots. I’m pretty sure that most men think like this too – I’d like to see a survey done, actually – because surely if a dark complexion was inherently more attractive to men then the whole world would be Asian or African by now?
So girls, ask yourselves, who are you doing this for? Why are you spending so much time and money on making yourself something that you’re not? I suppose the answer to that question is mostly going to be “because it makes us feel good about ourselves”. Again, why? Because you actually prefer the way you look with a tan, or because some model on a TV commercial has told you that you will prefer the way you look with a tan and you’ve believed her? And to highlight just how utterly pointless this way of thinking really is, one only has to look at the current trend with middle class Indians who, opposed to our obsession with tanning, spend their hard earned Rupees on BLEACHING themselves to look whiter. Damn it, why don’t we all just dye ourselves puce and be done with it? At least then people will all feel more equal.
Why am I angry about this? It’s not because I don’t want people to feel good about themselves, of course not, it’s because I hate the idea that some fat cat in London, Paris or New York is getting rich off exploiting our emotions. People may or may not know this, but millions – I suspect billions – of pounds goes in to researching ways to manipulate our basic human instincts with the sole aim of influencing us to spend money on stuff we don’t need. All modern advertising is an evolution of principles first utilised to sell stuff to us by the founder of modern PR and advertising - a man called Edward Bernays - who’s uncle was none other than the master of unravelling humanities deepest desires, Dr. Sigmund Freud. Mr Bernays idolised his uncle from a young age and, using marketing techniques inspired by Freud’s theories, managed to reverse the social zeitgeist in 1920s New York that it was uncouth for women to smoke, securing a hefty fortune in the process. Basically, he made smoking seem sexy, so... women started smoking, because they thought that if they didn’t then men would not find them as attractive. Of course, today we all know very well that smoking isn’t sexy at all. In fact, I think that most of us would agree that, unless you get turned on by your partner tasting and smelling like a charred carcass, it’s really quite the opposite. Does this sound familiar?
Almost a century on since Bernays’ pioneering outlook on consumer habits and advertisers are now so clever and subtle in their manipulative strategies that most people fall for their ploys hook line and sinker without even a second thought. One of my favourite techniques used currently is the blurring of the lines between beauty products and food. Having a look at the ladies’ hair and skincare section at the weekend I genuinely mistook some of the soaps and shampoos for elegantly crafted cakes and truffles. The scents were all very interesting too: mint candy, lemon cheesecake, coconut cream, gingerbread. It’s a double whammy in terms of exploiting women, appealing both to their supposed fondness for sweets AND their desire to smell nice. The question is... what next? Wotsit flavoured toothpaste? Lemon posit knob wash? Chicken tikka embalming fluid? I swear we’ll buy anything they put in front of us these days that’s in a pretty box and has an interesting name.
So girls: the next time you’re tempted to sully your natural beauty with a little pot of over-priced face paint or a tub full of carcinogenic chemicals, and gents: the next time some twat who works in Boots tries to up sell you an electric razor with a staple gun attachment or ANY form of anti-ageing treatment - for christ’s sake men look better as they get older! Any woman will tell you that! – please, please THINK to yourself, unless you really can’t see foresee being content without that product, don’t waste the money and resources on buying it! Who knows, you might find out that you’re happier without it.
